


where will I end up, tonight?

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [49]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, I keep making them worse, Insomnia, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Sleep Deprivation, but hey it was fun, this is really very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7791031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki makes the extremely sensible decision that the best way to deal with his fear of Thanos possibly being able to take over his mind, again, is to stop sleeping. This is a rational and considered decision that will not have any consequences at all. </p><p>Right.</p><p>(Follows the events of "Shrapnel.")</p>
            </blockquote>





	where will I end up, tonight?

**Author's Note:**

> In lieu of apologizing for not working on other projects and instead writing the things I've been writing instead, I am going to not do that and just say HEY LOOK, IT'S ANOTHER FIC, IT'S HURT/COMFORT, ENJOY. You all know who I am at this point. Or if you don't: it's this, honestly. Look in my unconscious brain and this is basically what it looks like. 
> 
> (Everything else is still in the works, don't you worry. For now, just enjoy this short fic about Loki suffering.)

James and Steve seemed to think that everything was fine. That it was not a significant problem that the Mad Titan had reached across vast distances, from _outside the Nine,_ and reclaimed Loki as his own. That he should not be too concerned about the fact that there was apparently still a collar and chain that the Titan could yank and bring him to heel, that there was a weakness in his defenses that let him use Loki like a puppet, a toy.

Oh no, that was _fine._ Don’t _fret,_ Loki.

He could not blame them too much. They did not know the titan. Did not understand the danger they were facing. If Loki were a better man he would find that angry SHIELD fellow again and see if he had devised any more effective containment. Or something more permanent.

But he could not make himself submit to a cage. He would die first, but that preemptive measure would hurt Steve, and even if he was willing to accept that cost Loki was craven in that too. Afraid of the oblivion that waited.

But he did have a solution of his own. The Titan had reached him when his defenses were lowered, in deep sleep. So all he had to do to remain out of his clutches was not sleep. Simple, elegant, foolproof. He’d gone long periods without before.

However, he was well aware that his sensible decision would not look sensible to others. So he just didn’t mention it. Neither he nor Steve had terribly regular sleep schedules to begin with, so as long as he was careful, and at least sometimes went to bed with him, or placed himself there when Steve woke…

Of course, it was going to get harder as he went on. But there were magical means of countering that, to a point, and apparently some chemical ones as well. And when he reached the limits of _that..._ as long as he kept himself to short naps and did not let himself slip any deeper that the shallowest waters of sleep, he should be able to stay safe. And keep the others so.

Better than simply lying about, helpless, waiting for the Mad Titan to reach out and take him again.

* * *

“Are you all right?” Steve asked suddenly. Loki looked up from the cereal he was picking at without interest, frowning.

“Yes,” he said automatically. “Why?”

“Just…” There was a frown etched between Steve’s eyebrows, but after a moment he shook his head. “I don’t know. Just a feeling. You seem a little...off.”

There was a persistent, low level headache behind Loki’s eyes, but it was not so severe he could not ignore it. Food did not seem very interesting, and he found it difficult to focus on anything that required serious thought. He hadn’t slept in nine days. “Off how?” He asked, mindful of the places where he needed to improve performance.

Steve took a quick bite of grapefruit. “It’s probably nothing. Just me being…” He trailed off with a gesture that meant nothing to Loki. “How are you doing?” He asked, voice softening.

“Better when I do not think about it,” Loki said shortly. He caught Steve’s wince out of the corner of his eye and tried to summon a smile. “I am fine.”

“That’s what you say when you’re not fine,” Steve said, his expression turning a little stubborn. “I know you better than that, Loki.”

Loki felt a flare of quick, hot temper. “Better than I know myself?” He asked sharply. “Must you always know every detail of my emotional state? I have been better, it is true. I have also been worse. Leave it alone.”

Steve blinked, looking taken aback, and then a little hurt. “I’m not asking for every detail,” he said stiffly. “I’m just trying to help.”

“I do not need help,” Loki said, and stood up, pouring out his half finished cereal and stalking away, though there wasn’t very far to go. He could feel Steve watching him and frowning, and tried his best to ignore it. He would have to try harder to keep a handle on his temper. Not only was it unfair to Steve, it would also be a fairly obvious giveaway.

* * *

“You look sick,” James said after taking one look at Loki. Loki scowled.

“Thank you,” he said flatly. Fourteen days. He’d done much longer; if he really looked that bad maybe he’d gotten weak. Maybe he could risk an hour of sleep every couple of nights, as long as it wasn’t deep.

“Are you sick? Do you even get sick?” James took a step back. “I don’t want to get some kind of alien plague.”

Loki gave him a withering look. “I am not sick.”

James scrutinized him for another second before letting him in. “Okay, but you still look like death warmed over.”

“And again I say: thank you.” Loki gave James a hard look. “Are you going to keep harping on this?”

“Yes,” James said, shifting slightly, jaw thrusting out. “If something’s going on you should tell me.”

“The Titan has not managed to take over my mind again, if that is your concern,” Loki said. He could hear the bite in his voice and turned to stalk over to the kitchen. The headache pulsing behind his eyes was back and he poured himself a glass of ice water, pressing it to his forehead.

“Good to hear, but that’s not what I was asking.” He could hear the tension in James’ voice, just begging for a fight. He wanted to needle it out, too, pull them both into it - no, he didn’t want that. Loki frowned at himself, troubled. Was that sleep deprivation or something else?

A suggestion planted into his mind by-

 _You’ll drive yourself mad that way._ “Then I do not know what you are asking.”

“Don’t play stupid,” James shot back, almost belligerent. “You’re not fooling anyone.” He stepped closer and poked Loki in the ribs. “Have you lost weight?”

“I do not need anyone _fretting_ over me.”

“Funny,” James said. “You’ve got it anyway.” His voice softened, fractionally. “You went to Th - this cosmic bastard pretty fast. Is that…”

Loki could sense how little James wanted to talk about this. Because of his own experience, most likely, even if it was nothing like Loki’s own, whatever Steve seemed to think about his being a victim. “It is not precisely an experience one forgets quickly,” he said, looking away.

“Yeah,” Barnes said after a long silence. “You can say that again. You...you wake up not sure it’s your head, sometimes?”

 _No,_ Loki thought, _by the simple expedient of not sleeping so I do not have to worry about it._ He let his head jerk in what could be a nod. James’ expression relaxed a little, lips twisting, and he reached out to give Loki a slightly awkward pat on the shoulder.

“They keep telling me it gets easier,” he said, and then added, “you should tell Steve. He’s worried.”

Loki shook his head. “He worries too much.”

“Not going to stop that by trying to dodge it,” James said.

“I’ll think about it,” Loki said eventually.

“Don’t think about it,” James advised. “Do it.”

* * *

Twenty days. His body temperature veered between hot and cold, feverish and shivering. His thoughts were a perpetual fog. He’d nearly slipped and fallen asleep on Steve while watching a movie (he couldn’t remember which movie), but he’d managed to jerk himself back from the brink, and he’d gotten very good at feigning sleep

Wanda came and found him, which must have taken considerable effort as he had been avoiding the upstate facility assiduously since the incident. She looked angry initially when he answered the door, only to quickly change to concern. Loki could appreciate why: he did look a little unwell, but using a glamour required more focus than he could currently summon.

“Are you all right?” She asked.

“Is _everyone_ going to keep asking me that?” He snapped. “Yes, I am. What do you want?”

“Is this,” she gestured at him, “why you’ve stopped teaching me?”

“Is what,” Loki said, pettily. Wanda gave him a look, and he glanced away. “I have been...otherwise occupied.”

Her expression flickered. “With what?” Loki couldn’t think of anything in time. Or at least, the only thing that popped into his head and stuck there was _bear baiting._ “If I did something-”

“You didn’t, though you are doing something now,” Loki said. “Go on. I am not in the mood.” He made to shut the door. Wanda caught it, and while he could push her back that would likely just worsen the situation. “What?” He demanded.

“You really don’t look well,” Wanda said. Loki gave her his best flat stare, but she seemed impervious to it. “No wonder Steve’s been out of sorts. What’s the matter?”

Steve? Out of sorts? Loki hadn’t noticed anything. He frowned to himself. Perhaps his observational skills were blurring, too. That was possible. “Nothing,” he said, near automatically. The witch’s eyes snapped.

“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid. I can see plain as day-”

“Then will _none of your business_ do?” Loki said, anger surging up again. “Now _go,_ before I throw you out.”

Wanda narrowed her eyes, but she retreated. Loki did as well.

_You’re starting to slip. How much longer can you hang on?_

“Oh, shut up,” Loki muttered back.

* * *

Day twenty four and spots like small insects had started to appear at the corners of his vision. Steve faced him, a grim expression on his face. “Loki,” he said, “we need to talk.”

Loki tried to arrange his face to look surprised. “We do?”

“Yes, we do.” Steve sat down, and after a moment Loki did too, shifting his expression to _attentive, focused._ It felt strange, like he was putting a mask on over his face. That thought made him want to giggle, vaguely, but he held it in. “You haven’t been sleeping,” Steve said. “No, don’t try to deny it,” he said, voice sharpening, even as Loki opened his mouth. “I’m not sure how long but I’m guessing a while. Maybe the entire time since...that happened.” He glanced at Loki for confirmation. He hesitated a moment too long, and Steve’s expression hardened. “So that’s a yes, then. Almost a month.”

“I’ve gone longer,” Loki said. Steve’s expression spasmed.

“That is - _very_ not the point,” he said. “Do you know sleep deprivation is a form of torture?”

“Mm-hmm,” Loki said promptly. “Fairly effective, too.” He remembered. The look Steve gave him was horrified.

“That doesn’t - seem _wrong,_ to you, maybe? That you’re putting _yourself_ through - have you looked at yourself lately? What you’re doing to your body? Let alone your _mind -_ you drop sentences in the middle, you repeat yourself, you can’t remember things. I haven’t seen you use _any_ magic for a long time; I’m guessing because you can’t work up the focus for it.”

Loki made himself scoff. “It isn’t that bad.” Something scuttled across the floor out of the corner of his eyes, and he had to remind himself not to look at it.

“Your hands are shaking,” Steve said flatly. “Can you make them stop?”

Loki couldn’t. He’d had to make excuses to James about why he couldn’t spar with him, knowing that handling a knife - or even just hand-to-hand - would be asking for disaster. Still, he tried.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, pulling his hands back and putting them under the table.

Steve stared at him. “Of course it matters. You’re driving yourself insane - or just driving yourself into the ground.”

Loki shook his head. “There is no alternative.” He swallowed, panic clawing at his throat. He swallowed it forcefully down. “You saw - you saw what can happen. What can. What he can do. Using me. But he can’t reach my, my - conscious mind. So-”

Steve blinked once, twice. “Vision cleared you,” he said. Loki shook his head.

“We don’t know that. Can’t be sure. It’s better not to risk it.”

Steve looked incredulous, gestured at him sharply. “ _This_ is better?”

“I am not going to be the - the gateway _he_ uses to. If he’d been less focused on the Infinity Stone, he could have killed you, you and James and, and everyone, next time he will, and maybe then he’ll let me go just long enough to know what’s happened before killing me if I am _lucky._ I cannot - _will_ not - risk that.”

“Loki-” There was a pained note in Steve’s voice. Loki stood up, sharply.

“No,” he said. “I am not - this is not an argument I am going to have. I _know_ it is not safe. He can find me when I sleep. So I will not. It is that simple.”

Steve stood up too. “You can’t just _not sleep_ forever.”

“Watch me,” Loki said defiantly.

“Don’t just _take off,_ ” Steve said, anger in his voice. “This isn’t the kind of thing you can just _decide!_ ”

“ _Watch me,_ ” Loki said again, and stalked out the door.

* * *

Steve was not there when he returned. He felt shaky and sick and vaguely guilty, aware that he had been harsh, even unkind. Steve was worried, that was understandable. He just needed to explain better.

He slouched into the apartment and stopped, a shadow detaching from the wall. He turned and it was gone, but his breathing quickened. “Steve,” he called, already knowing that wasn’t it.

He turned on the light and froze. The Other was standing five feet in front of him, robed, red mouth smiling. “Frostling,” it hissed. “You thought you could escape us?”

Loki inhaled sharply, taking a step back. His body lit up with fear, his heart racing, sweat bursting out on his brow. _No,_ he thought, but the only sound that came out was a faint squeak. He took another step back, but the Other was there in a flash of movement, reaching out, and Loki closed his eyes, bracing for the pain.

“I told you I would find you,” it hissed. “And now, Loki-”

“Loki! _Loki!_ ”

Steve’s voice. Loki heard a thin, high sound like a dog whining and it took him a long moment to realize that it was him. He blinked at Steve, whose hands were on his shoulders, eyes scanning Loki’s face. “Steve,” he said, and tried to look past him, but the lights were off and the room was empty. “There was. There was…it was right there.”

Steve’s hands moved up to his face. “I got back and you were just standing here, staring and - you’re with me? You’re here?”

“Here,” Loki echoed. It had been here. He’d seen it, its fingers almost touching his face…he took a shuddering breath, and it came out as a sob.

Steve’s arms came around him, slowly, and Loki folded against him and broke. “Shh,” Steve said, sounding uncertain. “Loki…”

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. Just wept, frightened and tired and sick. “I’m sorry,” he forced out. “I’m sorry, I can’t, I-”

“Okay,” Steve said, it sounded like more to himself than anything. “Okay, come on. Come with me.” Loki followed limply, unable to do anything else, and let Steve ease him down onto the couch. He rocked forward and back, slightly. Steve moved away, and then returned, draping a blanket around Loki’s shoulders; it was only when Steve tucked it around him that he realized he was shivering.

“Steve?” He said a little faintly.

“Stay here,” Steve said. Loki huddled deeper into the blanket and waited. Music started playing from the record player, soft and slow. Steve dimmed the lights and lit a candle that smelled faintly of pine.

He returned a moment later and pulled Loki toward him, wrapping his arms around him and kissing the back of his neck, rocking him gently. Loki went limp, tears still leaking from his eyes, and took a shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not...it’s not safe. I can’t...it’s not safe.”

“Shh,” Steve said. “Loki. It’s all right. Just close your eyes. Just for a few seconds. You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to. But just...close your eyes.”

“He’s going to come,” Loki said. “And take me, and…”

“Loki,” Steve said softly. “You can’t fight like this. You know that. You’re exhausted, you’re seeing things. You need to rest.”

A dry sob squeezed out of his lungs. “Steve…” His limbs felt so heavy. Shivers ran through his body and Steve was warm against his back; he could feel the thud of his heart. “I’m so tired,” he said. “So tired.”

“It’s okay,” Steve said. “Just close your eyes. That’s all you need to do.”

Loki closed his eyes. Steve’s breathing was warm on the back of his neck.

“I’m gonna keep you safe,” he said.


End file.
